Being Home

I really thought being home would fix things...but it's almost made things worse. I have so many questions and so much anger that I don't know what to do with. Why does everything have to always be so hard? Why does he get to fix things and make everything better when my life is the one that was turned upside down? How is that fair? I mean, I want to be friends and fix things between us but it just angers me that he always gets what he wants. I don't think he fully understands what he's put me through and he probably never will. I keep meeting new people and liking them..but then talking myself out of liking them. I don't want my life to be turned upside down again. I don't want to trust someone and like them but I don't want to be left behind again. I'm always getting left behind. My best friend/boyfriend and who I thought was the love of my life left me countless times. both my best friends stopped talking to me about the same time without explanation for about half a year. Something just really needs to be easy...please. Someone help me. I need someone to help me get this anger out and get my self confidence back up. this isn't who I am and I need to find a way back.

Lyric of the Day

Don't forget me my love, my love. I won't forget you my love, my love.

"Until the End" by Quietdrive

Here I am Again

Yet again for the third time this week...I am sitting in the study lounge doing absolutely nothing but listening to my ipod and laughing along with friends. This should be the life...this should be the happiest times of my life but for some reason something is missing. I don't know what it is but it's really starting to take a toll on me. Its days like today I wish things weren't so hard all the time. I just need something to be easy because I've been fighting to keep my head above water for so long now. I shouldn't be complaining about anything because in reality I have a great life and truly couldn't ask for anything more. I think it's because I don't belong here, but maybe that's just an illusion. I hope things will get better soon...but the only way to make that happen is to do something about it right?

Lyric of the Day

we never listened, no we never learned. when it comes to messin' up you know we all took a turn for the worse, for the better. if we're goin' down now then we're goin' down together. you say that you love me, you say that you care, but i know you better. yes, i know you better. you say that you need this, but i only need these simple words. C'est La Vie.

"C'est La Vie" by Quietdrive

C'est La Vie

I really don't have much to say today. I'm pretty content with my life today. I had two of my finals today and then came back and slept until like four in the afternoon. I've spent my day in the study lounge with friends and just having a good time and laughing our asses off. I have to say I don't know where I would be if I didn't have Beth in my life. She has been my best friend for the past four months and has helped me through a lot without even knowing it. She keeps me busy and sings loudly and obnoxiously when I'm having a bad day (which I have videotaped by the way). This is a friendship I will take away from college and never let go of. I couldn't ask for a better person in my life.
As most of my friends know, I've been trying to stay away from my phone and facebook while studying for finals and it's actually been kind of nice. I haven't worried about anyone but me for a change and I feel bad saying that but it's true. I just can't wait to come home and see all my friends. I plan on taking a trip down to Portage and then over to Minneapolis for a night. I have a feeling this is going to be a great break filled with friends, family and horses :)

Lyric of the Day

I know this is long, but god is it ever my favorite song right now. i live my life in music and I'm weird in the way I want someone to tell me stuff through songs. So one day, someone will play this song and dedicate it to me one day....

"Love Alone" by Thriving Ivory

I know it hurts, I know you're bruised
But it's only on the inside.
I know you're lost and you're confused
Yeah it's only on the inside.
I see you walk and you're dragging your feet
But it's only for a moment.
Stuck at the part where you feel incomplete
Yeah it's only for a moment.

It's not too late to walk in my direction,
When honey, everything you needs in your reflection.

Who's gonna walk you home and who's gonna hold your hand?
When you're heavy like a stone and there's trouble where you stand.
No I won't tell your heart where to go
I'll make it feel something it won't
You could rearrange the stars and make them all your own
But you can't fall in love alone.

I know you're torn and in between dreams
But it's all you've ever known.
And I know you're worn out at the seams
Yeah it's all you've ever known.
Well there's no place left for you to run
You can cast your past into the sun
Watch it light up the night and honey, you will be fine.

Nothing Like College

There's nothing like college to figure out who your real friends are. In high school I'd like to think I had a lot of friends. Maybe not the kind of friends that would go the ends of the earth for me, but I know I had people I could count on and people I could sit by and hold a really good conversation with. I miss days like that. I miss being in high school and being able to get away from my every day people sometimes and find someone new. I had that kind of personality too. The kind where I could step out of my comfort zone every day and not mind of I got turned down. College on the other hand...is different. I'm not sure why but I'm not willing to step into that zone. And on top of that, I don't have many friends from back home anymore. I can probably count the good ones on one hand...maybe with a finger or two from the other. And to be truthful, all the REALLY good ones are girls, but I need a guy friend. I miss my boys like Cory, Mark, Tim, Fonzi and Steven...I miss everyone hanging out with you guys and watching you play video games...or watching you get drunk and pass out half naked in bed with each other lol. There's a few other guys that I miss hanging out with too but I won't mention their names. I just don't like how we all seemed to go our separate ways and don't seem to talk much anymore. Here at college..boys seem to be a different breed. The girls too actually...well at least most because I've met some pretty good ones. I guess what I'm trying to get at is I miss the friendships you only seem to see in movies. I always wanted to have that friendship where guy is girls best friend and that's all there ever is. I want that guy friend who's always gunna be there for me and will lay in bed with me for hours when my heart is broken. The friend who's going to go kick some ass when things go wrong in my life. Someone to come watch me ride horses because that is the only moment in my life when I know where I'm suppose to be. I don't want a boyfriend. Just a guy that loves me as a friend. Nothing more. Am I the only one who wants a friend like that? Or does everyone just have that kind of friend and I'm the one left out? P.S. college sucks. Don't ever do it.