Being Home

I really thought being home would fix things...but it's almost made things worse. I have so many questions and so much anger that I don't know what to do with. Why does everything have to always be so hard? Why does he get to fix things and make everything better when my life is the one that was turned upside down? How is that fair? I mean, I want to be friends and fix things between us but it just angers me that he always gets what he wants. I don't think he fully understands what he's put me through and he probably never will. I keep meeting new people and liking them..but then talking myself out of liking them. I don't want my life to be turned upside down again. I don't want to trust someone and like them but I don't want to be left behind again. I'm always getting left behind. My best friend/boyfriend and who I thought was the love of my life left me countless times. both my best friends stopped talking to me about the same time without explanation for about half a year. Something just really needs to be easy...please. Someone help me. I need someone to help me get this anger out and get my self confidence back up. this isn't who I am and I need to find a way back.

Lyric of the Day

Don't forget me my love, my love. I won't forget you my love, my love.

"Until the End" by Quietdrive

Here I am Again

Yet again for the third time this week...I am sitting in the study lounge doing absolutely nothing but listening to my ipod and laughing along with friends. This should be the life...this should be the happiest times of my life but for some reason something is missing. I don't know what it is but it's really starting to take a toll on me. Its days like today I wish things weren't so hard all the time. I just need something to be easy because I've been fighting to keep my head above water for so long now. I shouldn't be complaining about anything because in reality I have a great life and truly couldn't ask for anything more. I think it's because I don't belong here, but maybe that's just an illusion. I hope things will get better soon...but the only way to make that happen is to do something about it right?

Lyric of the Day

we never listened, no we never learned. when it comes to messin' up you know we all took a turn for the worse, for the better. if we're goin' down now then we're goin' down together. you say that you love me, you say that you care, but i know you better. yes, i know you better. you say that you need this, but i only need these simple words. C'est La Vie.

"C'est La Vie" by Quietdrive

C'est La Vie

I really don't have much to say today. I'm pretty content with my life today. I had two of my finals today and then came back and slept until like four in the afternoon. I've spent my day in the study lounge with friends and just having a good time and laughing our asses off. I have to say I don't know where I would be if I didn't have Beth in my life. She has been my best friend for the past four months and has helped me through a lot without even knowing it. She keeps me busy and sings loudly and obnoxiously when I'm having a bad day (which I have videotaped by the way). This is a friendship I will take away from college and never let go of. I couldn't ask for a better person in my life.
As most of my friends know, I've been trying to stay away from my phone and facebook while studying for finals and it's actually been kind of nice. I haven't worried about anyone but me for a change and I feel bad saying that but it's true. I just can't wait to come home and see all my friends. I plan on taking a trip down to Portage and then over to Minneapolis for a night. I have a feeling this is going to be a great break filled with friends, family and horses :)

Lyric of the Day

I know this is long, but god is it ever my favorite song right now. i live my life in music and I'm weird in the way I want someone to tell me stuff through songs. So one day, someone will play this song and dedicate it to me one day....

"Love Alone" by Thriving Ivory

I know it hurts, I know you're bruised
But it's only on the inside.
I know you're lost and you're confused
Yeah it's only on the inside.
I see you walk and you're dragging your feet
But it's only for a moment.
Stuck at the part where you feel incomplete
Yeah it's only for a moment.

It's not too late to walk in my direction,
When honey, everything you needs in your reflection.

Who's gonna walk you home and who's gonna hold your hand?
When you're heavy like a stone and there's trouble where you stand.
No I won't tell your heart where to go
I'll make it feel something it won't
You could rearrange the stars and make them all your own
But you can't fall in love alone.

I know you're torn and in between dreams
But it's all you've ever known.
And I know you're worn out at the seams
Yeah it's all you've ever known.
Well there's no place left for you to run
You can cast your past into the sun
Watch it light up the night and honey, you will be fine.

Nothing Like College

There's nothing like college to figure out who your real friends are. In high school I'd like to think I had a lot of friends. Maybe not the kind of friends that would go the ends of the earth for me, but I know I had people I could count on and people I could sit by and hold a really good conversation with. I miss days like that. I miss being in high school and being able to get away from my every day people sometimes and find someone new. I had that kind of personality too. The kind where I could step out of my comfort zone every day and not mind of I got turned down. College on the other hand...is different. I'm not sure why but I'm not willing to step into that zone. And on top of that, I don't have many friends from back home anymore. I can probably count the good ones on one hand...maybe with a finger or two from the other. And to be truthful, all the REALLY good ones are girls, but I need a guy friend. I miss my boys like Cory, Mark, Tim, Fonzi and Steven...I miss everyone hanging out with you guys and watching you play video games...or watching you get drunk and pass out half naked in bed with each other lol. There's a few other guys that I miss hanging out with too but I won't mention their names. I just don't like how we all seemed to go our separate ways and don't seem to talk much anymore. Here at college..boys seem to be a different breed. The girls too actually...well at least most because I've met some pretty good ones. I guess what I'm trying to get at is I miss the friendships you only seem to see in movies. I always wanted to have that friendship where guy is girls best friend and that's all there ever is. I want that guy friend who's always gunna be there for me and will lay in bed with me for hours when my heart is broken. The friend who's going to go kick some ass when things go wrong in my life. Someone to come watch me ride horses because that is the only moment in my life when I know where I'm suppose to be. I don't want a boyfriend. Just a guy that loves me as a friend. Nothing more. Am I the only one who wants a friend like that? Or does everyone just have that kind of friend and I'm the one left out? P.S. college sucks. Don't ever do it.

Lyric of the Day

We know no matter how many knives we put in each others' backs that we'll always have each others' backs because we're that lucky. "Love the Way You Lie Part II" by Rihanna ft Eminem

A Year Ago...

A year ago I woke up next to the boy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. We had a pretty rough past but we both believed we could put it behind us...and we worked really hard and succeeded for a long time, but I guess things just aren't meant to be. He was the most important part of my life and kept me going when I wanted to give up. I hate that I had to go behind my parents back to be with him and that hurt me every day but I did what I had to do. I'm not going to say that I wish things could be different today because I don't. I know we don't work as a couple but we did make a good team. I know I have people standing behind me and supporting me in everything I do...but it was different with him. He really believed in me. I miss sharing my passions with him, like piano and horseback riding. Those were some of the best moments in my life...when I accomplished something with a horse and I knew he saw it. And I really haven't played piano for a very long...and I don't mean sit down and play a song...I mean REALLY play. The worst part about everything is that I wish it would have ended better. The last time I saw him I was begging him to give us another chance because we were doing so good. He told me we would talk about it once he got settled it...but I knew he was just saying that to make me feel better. I knew he couldn't wait to have parties and have his choice of anyone. The worst part? I left crying my eyes out, got in my truck and called him saying I forgot to give him money. And I simply drove away hoping that if I became like all the other girls that liked him he'd reconsider...needless to say I went to college and we didn't talk for a very long time. I wish the last time we saw each other would have been the night he snuck into my room. But I guess we can't always get what we want now do we?

Lyric of the Day

This is a story of a girl who builds her own thoughts. She has faith that he'll me more than what she only thinks she wants. She's seen the bitter truth but when someone is looking right at you, it's hard to see through the lying eyes when you're mesmerized.

-"Here's to the Heartbreakers' by Katy McAllister

The beginning

I'm not completely sure why I am starting this, but I feel like I need to do something. I've had a lot of stuff happen lately and a lot of feelings to work through. I used to write in a journal everyday and that really helped me, but now it's sitting alone in my drawer back at home, rightfully so because I'm not proud of a lot of the things written in it. Over the past few years I have lost sight of the things that really matter, like friendships and family. My vision was clouded by things like love, parties and trying to be someone. Along the way I lost sight of what life is suppose to be about...doing something that makes you happy. Not saying in those years I wasn't happy because boy, was I happy. I had friendships that I wish I never would have let go of and I am sorry if you were one of those people. I have a lot of stuff to work out and like I stated earlier...writing it down helps. And if people reading this (if there are people reading this) are anything like me then reading what I am going through will help them get through whatever it is they are going through, big or small.